(Insert cliche here)

it's a blessing and a curse.
So intimate and so alone.

Untamed impala

About 2 weeks ago, I was expecting a night with spectacular concert which I have been looking forward to since September. When it turns out that the ticket was no where to be found, on the train ride to the gig, there were not many options on the list of things to do. So me and my pal ends up at a local shop playing pool. Once the game was going, it was suddenly 1 o'clock in the morning and we thought it'd be good to wind it up. In the balcony, we talked about despite the misfortune of the night how we had a good time. And how "we have it good...... we are old enough to acknowledge what we have, but do not have as much responsibility and burden as people with full-time jobs."

관계

아마도 2011년의 1월, 2월은 한국에서 보내게 될 것이다. 거의 2년만의 방문이라 어색한 기분이 든다. 요즘의 한국은 어떠한 꿈을 꾸고 어떠한 목소리로 무슨 말을 하며 살아갈까. 십대인 내가 본 한국은 회색이고 숨 막혔다. 모두가 이유도 없이 아팠다. 이십대인 내가 본 한국은 어떤 모습일까.

나는 사랑이라는 단어가 어색하게 느껴진다. 내가 사랑하는 것들은 무엇이지.

1년 정도 사귀던 전 남자친구와 헤어진 후 많은 기체적인 두리뭉실한 생각 들이 머리 속에 많이 떠다니고 있는 것 같다. 어떤 사람과 관계를 만들게 되면 그 관계에는 이름이 붙는다. 친구, 선배, 애인, 직장 동기...... 그리고 그 이름에는 적당한 책임과 기대와 대가가 따른다. 당신이 친구라고 부르는 사람에게는 적당히 그 관계에 따른 지위에 맞는 적당한 태도가, 동기라 부르는 사람에게는 그에 따른 적당한 태도가 있는 것이다. 그래서 이름에는 힘이 있는 것이다. 한 번 누군가에게 관계의 이름을 지어 주면 당신이 꼭 그렇게 느끼지 않아도 그 이름은 다시 잘 흐려지지 않는다. 그래서 나는 그 이름이 지어지지 않은 애매한 상태가 흥미있다고 생각한다. 이것도 저것도 아닌. 왜냐하면 한 번 시작하면 끝이 오니까.

틀에 박힌 책임들에 이질감을 느낀다. 너는 나의 __ 니까 우리는 서로 __ 해야 하고 __한 감정을 유지해야 한다. 다른 사람들도 종종 이렇게 느끼지 않을까 생각해 본다.

전에 이런 말을 들은적이 있다.

"사랑 할 수 없을 것 같아서 사귀지 못하겠다."

"누구랑 사귀면 사랑해야 해?"

"물론이지."

사랑이란 단어를 들으면 내 어머니의 희생이 떠오른다.

나의 관계에 따른 책임에 대한 이질감 때문인지 나는 그녀가 존경스럽다. 당신이 어떠한 감정을 느끼던지 부모님은 부모님으로써의 책임을 감당해야 한다. '이제 지쳤으니 한 1주동안 너의 부모님이 되지 않겠다'고 말 할수 없는 것이다.

그를 사랑 했냐고 누군가가 물어봤다.

나는 모르겠다.

Time

tricky.

coughing orchestra

The gentle night air tells me, "I believe the summer is coming."

Bed Making and Instant Noodles

"If you don't have it, you can't lose it." Eric Yuen

Everything is nothing (so why not have fun)

Celery.

Start anew.

Chai.

Paint bucket.

Reinvention.

Running.
Destruction.

Flowers.

Flow.

Airing out.

Screaming.

Idiocy.

Killing.

More flowers.

Singing.

Kettle.

Kicking.

Lips.

Drawing.

Pasting.

Chinese.

Necklace.

Gigs.

Bombing.

Sun.

Eyeliner.

Slicing.

Camera.

Bike.

Playing.

Crying.

Mud.

Hands.

Post-it.

Zoo.

Nail polish.

Shaking.

Forest.

Snip. Snip. Snip.

Percussion.

, not .

"A closed mind is a dead mind. So open up and live." (flyfromnearby.tumblr.com)

Winter is here

It is hard to learn more and more about someone and not to pick out a flaw.

I guess more so, to be okay with them. As I grow older, more of the flaws of people I see. It's not entirely a pleasant experience since I do not enjoy to encounter or to share about it. I dislike gossiping. It's not ... efficient.

To think that I will pick out flaws of my own when I get to know myself better is uncomfortable. I think it's because I wouldn't know what to do about them. It's always easy to just say it than to do it. "How can I fix this? Oh, I can start doing this... and stop doing that." We are not in a high school classroom anymore. You write problems and solutions up on the board and forget about it all when the bell rings.

Also I've realised I always try to find reasons to my actions and thoughts. What if there are no reasons?

Why does everything has to be complicated these days?

I guess there are a lot more things to learn.

Reality and something else.

Often I feel like I am in a movie, as an actress because reality can be even more poetic than fiction.

Here is a question: Why do I not feel more like the writer?

Is it because I have little power in the surrounding?

The invisible script says; "Now you go to school.", "Now you are at work and smile to people.", "Now you are tired of your life and cry.", "Now is time to cook."

I have controls over what to wear, what to eat, and how to do things but not necessarily what I do.

And constantly you are defined and be judged by your past actions.

It's like you're a shoebox with full of photos from the past.

How do I break out of this shell? Or do I?

How do I paint my own picture while going with the flow?
How can I be more active?

A rather humorous line from the movie I've watched yesterday lingers in my head.

"That's 'cause we all wanna be problemless. To fix ourselves. We look for some magic solution to make us all better, but none of us really know what we're doing. And why is that so bad? That's all we humans can do. Try. Hope. But, Justin, just pray you don't fool yourself into thinking you've got the answer. Because that's bullshit. The trick is living without an answer. I think."

-From Thumbsucker

And the guitar cried

I don't feel at ease. There is tension everywhere. When it is exposed or touched, it is rather overwhelming. Instead of it being painful, it is rather beautiful though. Like a dragon fly breaking the surface tension of the water, like the amateur guitarist learning to play a tune.

It's as if we have waited this long for a grand opening. Or rather, soon or later a finale.

You think it's the start and it's an ending for something else. We are constantly starting and finishing. Never the same. The process is quite minute hence without an incredibly sound observation, this can never be seen or heard. We are consisted of many short stories, not a great one novel. Everyone has billions of stories and that makes one's life and those lives make the great novel. The history.

Rabbits

Most rabbits live about eight years. Average rabbits heart beat is 130 to 325 beats a minute. Rabbits can easily die of shock if frightened. When introduced into a new area, rabbits can overpopulate rapidly, becoming a nuisance, as on this university campus:

Source:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit

http://www.funtrivia.com/en/Animals/Rabbits-5355.html

WWI

김유진씨, 안녕하세요? 멀고도 가까운 나라 호주에 사는 류은초 토끼 입니다.

"청소 해도 매일 똑같은 정도로 다시 지저분해지는 이 집구석도 싫고, 무얼 제대로 한 일도 없는데 계속 쉬고만 싶어하는 내 정신도 싫고" - 김유진

자꾸만 사람들에게 기대지 않는 법을 배우고 싶어져. 그리고 기대 하지 않는 법도.

어른이 된다는 것은 거짓말을 잘 하는 법을 배운다는 걸까? 아파도 안 아프다, 외로워도 안 외롭다. 올 해 초 부터 난 하나님의 존재를 의심하기 시작했어. 하나님의 존재가 희미했다기 보단 그 의 존재에 대해서 상관 하지 않았다고 하는게 더 정확할 것 같아. 그 없이도 나는 잘도 먹고 잘도 자고 잘 살아가는 데 뭐. 교회는 꼬박 꼬박 나갔어. 드럼을 연주 하니까. 그리고 부모님을 위해.

요새는 사람 만나는 게 귀찮아. 날 만나고 싶어하는 사람들만 만나고 있어. 예전과 같이 않게. 인간 관계를 가꾸기 위해 꽤 못 본 사람들은 문자도 해가고 인터넷으로 안부도 전하고 그랬거든, 전엔.

꼭 우울하거나 그러진 않아. 아무에게 화 난 것도 아니야. 그저 길을 잃었는데 힘이 점점 떨어져서 그저 요새는 잠만 잔다. 월-금, 학교에 가고 금요일 저녁 6시부터 1시 반까지 알바 가고 주일에 교회 가고. 좀비야 좀비.

Brave New World를 읽고 있어. 뭐 읽고 있다고 하기 보단 읽기 시작했다고 하는 게 더 맞겠다. 고작 6페이지 정도 밖에 읽지 않았으니까. 아 그리고 김치가 자꾸 먹고 싶어. 옆 동네에 한국 식품점이 있는데 자전거 타고 가야해서 자꾸 귀찮아서 안가고 있어. 토요일엔 Gym에 가. 달리기를 하면 아무 것도 신경 안쓰게 되는게 좋아. 일주일에 한번씩 가는 걸 습관으로 만드려고 해. 아 그리고 다음주 화요일에 피어싱 할꺼야. 윗 입 옆쪽에(http://www.theholegallery.com/MonroePiercing.jpg). 부모님께는 비밀. 아 그리고 남자친구랑 깨졌어. 한 달쯤 됬나. 일 년 정도 사귀었어. 그 저 물 흐름을 따른 것 뿐. 깨질 때가 되서 깨졌어. 사연을 더 듣고 싶다면 알려줘.

소포 보내려면 어느 주소로 보내야 해?

뭐 주섬 주섬 보내주고 싶어. 아 그리고 이건 친구로써 부끄러운 이야긴데, 어느 날짜를 생일로 치고 있어? 뭐 호적상으로든 어느거든 괜찮아. 네가 생일로 여기는 날짜를 알려줘. 멍청이 은초라서 미안!

난 너가 보고 싶어.

같이 맥주에 라면에 그렇게 먹고 또 떡볶이 또 먹고 싶어. 우동 국물도.

서울에 네가 좋아하는 뒷 골목들 같이 다니고 싶어.

예전처럼 초등학교 땡땡이 치고 수채화 물감으로 낙서하고 싶어.

늘어지게 감귤 까먹고 뜨뜻한 방에 배깔고 만화책 쌓아놓고 읽다가 지쳐 한 이불 아래 잠들고 싶어.

아 아니 근데 힙합바지는 다시 입고싶지 않아. 색 안경은 멋있다는 한 아래 다시 쓰고 싶어.

같이 인터넷 쇼핑 하고 싶어.

도서관 책 빌려다 읽고 근데 연채료는 싫음.

너네 집 옆 짜장면 시켜서 또 덤으로 오는 군만두 좋아.

재밌는 한국 쇼들 많이 보고 많이 같이 웃고 싶어.

오백원 짜리 알 뽑기 하고 싶어. 미키랑 헬로 키티랑 피카츄랑 나오면 좋겠어.

아 그리고 그거 다른 뽑기도 있잖아. 설탕 녹여가지고 하는거. 그거도 다시 하고싶어. (어디에서 할 수 있는지 알아낼 수 있어? 한국 오면 하고싶어).

사랑해.

Procrasti-nation

Procrastination can be a motivation. Of course not for the subject of the procrastination. At least not when you are procrastinating. None the less, it could possibly cause motivation in other things. And if you ever do stop, then perhaps also for the subject you were avoiding according to your "guilty conscience".

I am motivated to read more. Not only limited to books, but news papers, sheet musics and more. Not planning on having so-many-books-per-month kind of aim. Regardless, it is nice to have something you can sit down or perhaps lay down and fall back into.

Also I have acquire few movies from friends which hopefully will get to eventually. I think a movie a week is a good number. If I name a few: 9, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Bunny & The Bull, An Education, Harry Brown.

Imported Beer

하고 싶은 것을 할 수 있다는 것은 엄청나게 축복받은 일이다. 자주 그 것을 까먹곤 한다. José González 의 목소리가 내 마음 속을 녹여온다. 해야 할 일들과 하고 싶은 일들이 더욱 더 겹쳐 졌으면 한다. 이번 주는 무슨 색깔이 되려나. 아마연보라색이 아닐까 싶다. 내일은 자전거를 타고 학교에 가고싶고 목공 과제물을 도색 하고 싶다. 구멍난 나무 조각들을 울리지 말아요, 은초씨 (그리고 수입산 맥주 좀 작작).

Title

not content.

Water the little mint plant in your heart.

I feel that the atmosphere around me is changing. I am not sure whether it is positive or negative. I hate to say this but I think it is a sign of growing up. I am not sure if I am growing up or down or sideways. All I know is I would still like to keep things simple and pure. Like the feeling when I'm riding my bike or when I'm running. I can forget about everything and anything.

Life Cycle of A Butterfly

Writing, reading, and writing.

Reading "No One Belongs Here More Than You" rather depresses me a little. I am not entirely sure why. When I was on my way home walking to the bus stop, I thought 'Addictions are weaknesses.' I think depending is an active word, compared to being addicted. You can choose to depend on something or someone but to be addicted to something leaves not much choice. I want to be stronger but wish to be okay with being weak sometimes. I think admitting your weakness is a strength. I like testing myself. When I succeed in doing or not doing things for how ever short or long period, I feel in control. I often get frustrated when some things are not in control. School work is one of those "some things." I think I value them a lot but I do not invest equivalent time or effort on it. I wish to be efficient in doing what needs to be done but relaxed in doing things that I'd like to do. Writing is one of the things that I like to do. I have not been doing it for a very long time which is silly because I tend to forget things easily. When I do not record certain events or feelings, I forget that I ever felt/experienced it. In most cases, I'd rather write about something than to take a photo of something. I think it is because I feel more comfortable and confident expressing something in words than in a photograph. It might be due to my lack of photographing and drawing skills. Sometimes I have to write in English and sometimes I have to write in Korean. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what language I use. I do enjoy having an ability to write in two languages. It'd be lovely to be able to write in another language.

(+I found out that 1/3 of my pay was taxed. I was a bit shocked.)

Easter bunny beheaded, Coopers pale ale drunk.

Sufjan Stevens is rather cute-looking. On the train ride home, I was looking for cute people to secretly stare at. I'd like to think that I am more so appreciating the beauty than being materialistic because I do not treat them by their appearances. But then again, I am not quite sure where that fine line is between them.

-

I got up to go to school and worked on my design project for a while. Returned home at around 12.30pm and had the turkey seaweed mushroom soup and the rice I cooked. Felt an excruciating pain in my stomach and almost fell down the stairs from it. I also felt a bit gloomy. I think I was missing people. Maybe a certain person in specific but I won't be able to tell who it exactly was. Maybe it was my friend Eric, or that cute guy at the bike shop. Who knows.

I had to take a nap to recover from the ache, and woke up when I heard multiples of stomping noise from down stairs. Then Cat woke up as well and we decided to have Japanese for dinner.

We headed to the city to get some animation but were distracted by Melbourne Comedy Festival. Not long after we decided to have a look for free shows, some comedians came up to offer us 2-for-1 passes. This guy in film noir style trench coat sat next to me with coffee in his hand, asking how I was. I told him, "Pretty good. Hey, these comedians are pretty self-promotial." "I know, don't you hate that?" he said. "It's okay." I smiled. After a while he handed me another on of those 2-for-1 pass. I was quite amused when I found out he was also performing. Turns out that his name is Tim motley. I had another person called Dr.Brown calling me alternative hence I should come see his show. I almost did go to his show but realised I should probably finish work for school.

Is this post beautiful or useful? I am not sure. I think it's okay for it not to though.

We are surrounded by many people but genuine human interaction is scarce.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” Stephen R. Covey

하나 둘, 그리고 잠수.

혼자 있는 시간의 공기는 무언가 특별함을 지니고 있다.
작은 고양이의 방문에 깨져버릴 것 같은 도자기를 지니고 있고 또 겨울날에 찾아온 따스한 햇살과 같은 그런 것들도. 창 밖 자동차 지나가는 소리를 들으며 바다를 연상해 본다. 그리고 나의 육체는 더 깊은 물속으로 잠겨간다. 숨쉬는 걱정은 미뤄두고 더 내려가자 화려한 열대 물고기들과 노란 잠수함이 보인다.
아직 잠이 들어있는 사람들을 깨우지 않으려고 조용히 하는 설거지는 내 마음을 좀 더 가볍게 할 수 있는 나만의 방법이다.

같이 있는 시간은 내겐 거울 같다고 생각한다.
너의 모습에서 내 자신을 발견하고 반가워하곤 한다. '안녕, 또 보는구나.'
그래서 내가 글을 쓰는지도 모르겠다. 혼잣말 하듯이 나와 대화를 하며 또 다른 나를 찾을 수 있으니까.

Friday, 24 July 2009 at 14:00